Friday, 29 September 2017

Accepting Uncertainty

These past few weeks I've learnt some things about myself that I'd like to share with you. My mother told me the 20s is the time when you discover who you truly are; your beliefs, your morals, who you are and what you stand for, and I feel as if I've started to discover exactly that.

I've been trying this new thing where I do things outside of my comfort zone, in an attempt to fully explore as many aspects of life as I possibly can.

All growing up, I've struggled with the unknown. That often manifested itself as either not having control of a situation or not knowing the outcome of it. Nasty people at school used to call me a control freak, but I know I'm not; it was just that anxiety had such a strong grasp on my thought processes to a point where I'd break down in an ambiguous situation.

However, I've decided enough is enough. I can't let my fear of the unknown take over my life anymore. Deciding I wasn't going to accept it anymore was not a conscious decision; I'd just noticed I started doing things I don't normally do and not feeling as scared of out of control as I normally would.

One of the most prominent examples is dating. I've struggled with relationships in the past due to my anxiety, but I had recently met someone new and wanted things to be different this time. Previously, I'd rush into a relationship and allow myself to fall head over heels in love too quickly, which resulted in me getting hurt and having my trust broken. Unfortunately, this has happened more than once, and I'd started to notice that this was a pattern. I decided that with the next person I'd date I'd take things really slow; that way I wouldn't fall in love or allow myself to get hurt. In a way, it's a defence mechanism against my heart, if you will. Going slowly in dating was scary for me, especially as I didn't know how to do it properly and I was worried about making mistakes. But everyone makes mistakes; that's what makes us human, and things are going well this time around. Of course, I can't say whether or not I'll get hurt again, but I know that taking things slowly and trying a different approach to dating has been beneficial for me.

Another example regards my future career. I have become more and more anxious over the years about never finding what my calling is in life or never settling down on an idea of a career. Originally at GCSE level, I fixated on the idea of working within the field of Geography, either as a teacher or as a meteorologist. I was, and still am, fascinated by the world within which we live and the changing seasons that we experience. However, I failed Geography A Level, so that path was then stopped in its tracks. I then went on to study Languages at a university. I thought, maybe I can be a translator! I'll travel all around the world assisting important people in their meetings and get to see incredible places. But I really didn't enjoy studying languages academically so that idea soon disappeared too. I felt so hopeless and scared; 'what will become of me?', I thought. I didn't just want to wander through life aimlessly, I wanted to inspire myself and others. I wanted to make a change. Fast forward to now, and things are so different... I've just finished my first year at university where I study Psychology - a topic I also did at A Level and enjoyed. I'm also really enjoying blogging, and I campaign politically. Maybe I'll be a cognitive psychologist, a full-time blogger or a politician? Who knows? Maybe I'll be all three! But right now, not knowing where life will take me doesn't bother me, because I'm happy where I am now, juggling these three passions of mine.

For me, the source of happiness is in the unknown. I guess that's similar to saying 'ignorance is bliss', but for me, it works. I've realised I don't need to know how everything will work out to be happy. I'm just enjoying things in the present, instead of worrying about the future, and for me, that's amazing progress.

If you're reading this and you've gone through a similar experience, either consciously or unconsciously, please get in touch! I'd love to connect with people who've changed their perspective on life.

What is something you can do to make your life a little better? Let me know down in the comments.

Lots of love,

Laura J Davis x

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